my orange juice

Its been a long while since I  posted but thats because I was being abused daily and one more thing was like adding a mountain to my shoulders. I have been rather ashamed to write much of it down. I feel like its just a bitch session, whine complain etc. Anyways, its ok he is in jail, soon prison.

I saw him today, after what he did to me. After he beat me and raped me and tried to kill me. I saw him and he saw me. He tried to tell me something, but the judge was very clear not to have contact with me. And she saw him working hard to look at me. I am not scared so much anymore. Not of him. I pray to god that he doesnt get out for a long time. That he gets therapy and that he realizes what he did was not ok. NEVER. I hope someday he can understand, he made the mistake, and I was a victim of his anger and aggression and rages. I may have responded, but never, never did I intentionally assault this man. Im not sorry he is in jail. I will miss his touch when he was kind, the sex was so good it made me cry, he was sexy, and made me feel sexy...it was heavenly. But I also remember the bad places he would go. The fucked up crazy shit he did. And it scared me. He is scary.

Im so relieved its over, and now I know I can do it. I can. I did. And I will be ok. Im going to speak tomorrow. I think. I feel so strange. I was there, he saw me I shook so bad I almost fell down. But I was strong, I kept silent until I needed to speak, I listened..... He tried to control it, to make it happen, to show me who and what was up. I kept silent, but this time, my silence was powerful. It drew their eyes to me as I shook yet stood there tall and proud and looked at the judge. He weaved and bobbed and tried in vain to see me, to get me to look at him, but as I resisted, a greater calm fell over me. I realized, Im not trapped in his hell. Im not bound to secrecy and I can stand up and be me again. I do not need to follow his rules, I can buy .... orange juice.