my orange juice

Its been a long while since I  posted but thats because I was being abused daily and one more thing was like adding a mountain to my shoulders. I have been rather ashamed to write much of it down. I feel like its just a bitch session, whine complain etc. Anyways, its ok he is in jail, soon prison.

I saw him today, after what he did to me. After he beat me and raped me and tried to kill me. I saw him and he saw me. He tried to tell me something, but the judge was very clear not to have contact with me. And she saw him working hard to look at me. I am not scared so much anymore. Not of him. I pray to god that he doesnt get out for a long time. That he gets therapy and that he realizes what he did was not ok. NEVER. I hope someday he can understand, he made the mistake, and I was a victim of his anger and aggression and rages. I may have responded, but never, never did I intentionally assault this man. Im not sorry he is in jail. I will miss his touch when he was kind, the sex was so good it made me cry, he was sexy, and made me feel sexy...it was heavenly. But I also remember the bad places he would go. The fucked up crazy shit he did. And it scared me. He is scary.

Im so relieved its over, and now I know I can do it. I can. I did. And I will be ok. Im going to speak tomorrow. I think. I feel so strange. I was there, he saw me I shook so bad I almost fell down. But I was strong, I kept silent until I needed to speak, I listened..... He tried to control it, to make it happen, to show me who and what was up. I kept silent, but this time, my silence was powerful. It drew their eyes to me as I shook yet stood there tall and proud and looked at the judge. He weaved and bobbed and tried in vain to see me, to get me to look at him, but as I resisted, a greater calm fell over me. I realized, Im not trapped in his hell. Im not bound to secrecy and I can stand up and be me again. I do not need to follow his rules, I can buy .... orange juice.

Im really sad, there is too much happening

so Jack ass decides Brigitte cant be here, he fucks with my head and I don't even know if half the texts she and I sent are from her now. Then Jim has a stroke, and his right side is numb and he is having a hard time. my mother who isn't the most stable person in the world is trying to recover from having surgery on her knee after breaking it, not one but twice. John decided to go drinking last night after ditching me and making me stay home the night before, and instead of calling it a night when his friend goes home, he decides to go to a couple other bars and fuck off until 3. Oh and don't forget no texts nothing to inform me because apparently its none of my business and I don't get to ask about it, not even nicely asking if bear followed him home because he was loud and obnoxious and made a shit load of noise. What a jack ass. And to top it all off, I go to work,I get back he texts me right as I pull in to  get him a burger, well if he wants a fucking burger he will pay for it, if he has 40$ to go out all night he can buy us all lunch or fuck off. And he yells, he says suck his dick, or get out, he says he is gonna find someone else to fuck and all the shit I just don't want to hear  as if I haven't had enough the past three days. And seriously he thinks I am gonna go get him ice water and food? wtf is wrong with him? I'm not doing it. I don't deserve this I hate my life I hate the stupid men in it that cant pull their heads out.Just assholes.fml

this cant be happening.... dont read if your offended by swearing

OMG I HATE him. He has utterly destroyed my child.... why cant he just fucking die. No really. Why not, why would God even allow this less than a man live? he is a liar and I am just stupid to even try with Brigitte again. She is deceptive or sneaky as well and I dont know why she would be like this other than (34534) Im sad for her. I love her but Im so fucking depressed now. I WONT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUU I HATE YOU I WISH I HAD NEVER EVER had a child. I hate him. I wish she had not come back into my life its taken over a year to get over this, to stuff it way deep down so I dont have to hurt, so my chest doesnt feel like someone scooped it out with a melon baller, and my hands dont shake and my heart doesnt jump every time the fucking phone rings. I cant....please God make this go away. I just dont want to be around this evilness. I hate him....

Damn...Im bad at this

OK!!!!

Yes I'm just horrible at blogging 

more serious, I have forgotten some great stuff already.

Damn it.

OK but to be fair,I will let you in on what I actually do so you don't

think I'm pathetically lazy and uninspiring.

I clean houses, I was pet sitting up until a week ago, daily dog walking

and feeding and caring for.

I also sew for a client, John does upholstery so when

he needs help I help him

I cook almost every night

I have a 7 year old.. did I mention that?

yeah so that's a taste. Oh, we share laundry and dishes, he vacuums and takes out the garbage and makes coffee almost always. I clean bathroom, grocery shop, buy all the products we need, and all outside cleaning, planting and whatever is mine. And winter is no break.

OK! so I also had a severe bacterial infection that sent me to the ER twice, I am now on zithromax, Prednisone, Albuterol, Hydromet, and I cant remember. But yeah it has been a great week! And the week before my daughter was sick, not as bad, but whiny,crabby, and basic not feeling so hot. 

I am supposed to meet with sewing client today but I'm still sick.. gotta go call her before I forget and expose her to this nasty stuff. I could not wish this on anyone really..

I WILL post my creations..hold on I think I have a couple...wait for it...ok be right back I need to send them to stupid picassa blahblahgrumblewhine....

mmmm ok Im slow, I get it

No, really I get it, I havent posted like I said I would... well give me a minute. I just got a new job, sewing a toy for someone. And I made the first proto type that made me insane because I was not thinking about how to modify it tomake it easy for me, and so three ays of struggling untilI realized.... it was a prototype!!!!!!!! For heaven sake just do it!
LOL anyways I made it, now I have 20 more to do in this week, and no I cant telll you what it is or I will go to jail. or get fined, or sued or some crap. Anyways the other issue, is we are broke, I dont mean broke with bills payed, I mean broke, 16$ in the bank, no savings, and a month behind on rent, threats to cut off everything.... And it sucks. How the hell did we get this way? I am pulling in the same amount even a bit more, but for some reason my half of the bills are not being payed, and everything is getting turned off? I dont get it, so yeah, Im not in the bloggy mood Im in the bitchy what can I do mood. I dont want to finish my profile, I need a pair of small sharp, pointy scissors and Im frustrated. But my life and love of crafty crafts goes on. Its all good. I will survive.

my first ever post!!!

Sooo I am now amongst the land of the blogging. I did not originally want to, but I decided in order for me to capture some details of my crafts, and my child's funny musings, I needed to get on the train. I used to write things down on her book shelf with a date, but I have been overwhelmed with other things and keep forgetting. And sadly some of her really cute words and actions have been forgotten as well. So I now can put them in a little list with dates, and keep them forever, AND forever share my constant need and desire to craft, and what I actually did. And you will get to experience my disasters, my successes, and my complete love of thrift store shopping and recycling bits.
Happy happy joy joy
Me

PS. I am working on this whole blogging thing for the first time so I'm not yet 'learned' on the fine art of making backgrounds and layouts.... not yet anyways. Also my info is very sparse... but give me some time, about a week and you will be able to read more... AND AS A FAIR WARNING... I swear. I will try to keep it on the dl, like #%$&^(@*&, but I may slip. I also have a wicked sense of humor, that you may not find funny. And there is much more but for now, have a great day!